No man with breast cancer needs to feel alone
Hello Everybody,
I am an 82 years old retired teacher, living in Margate, Kent and have lived here since 1970. I married my husband Nigel in 2013. I am a gay activist and have tried to spend much of my retirement raising awareness of the needs of older LGBTQ+ people. I was awarded the MBE for charitable services.
Over 20 years ago I happened to find a lump around a nipple which was surgically removed and was discovered to be benign, and so, in December 2015, when checking myself, I discovered another lump I realised that this needed urgent action. Breast cancer was fairly quickly diagnosed and I underwent a mastectomy and the subsequent removal of lymph nodes. A course of radiotherapy followed and I was prescribed a course of Tamoxifen which, I now accept, will continue - in spite of its annoying side effects. My quality of life has changed somewhat since my diagnosis and I do get tired more easily and psychologically, I face a nagging feeling of the possibility of the cancer returning, but with the invaluable support from my husband, living in the present is far from an impossible task.
Due to our past experience of discrimination in so many aspects of our lives we members of the LGBTQ+ community bring into the present huge baggage from that past. Many of us know the painful rejection of family and friends, as well as the harmful attitudes of society in work situations, social activities, religion and housing. For those reasons when we are faced with situations which require us to be open about our sexuality, and this is especially so for those of us who are older, we are fearful and decide not to ‘come out’.
Because of my involvement in gay activism there was no doubt at my cancer diagnosis that I would declare my sexuality and for me acknowledging this sexuality was vital in ensuring that my treatment was holistic. Also the acceptance of my husband’s role in my treatment by health professionals was similarly vital. So many LGBTQ+ people do not have partners and, whatever their age, so many do not feel safe about coming out and so their anxiety during treatment is increased for fear that their true selves are exposed.
My husband, of course, has been marvelous and the response of Breast Cancer Now to the sexuality issue has been warm, understanding and there is also clearly a willingness to learn about our needs. The issue essentially is that it is not a matter of equality in treating everyone the same but a need of being treated as LGBTQ+ people with all our distinctive needs and this being fundamental to our treatment.
When they tell you that you have breast cancer, they give you booklets and the nurse assures you that she is there whenever you want to talk. All very good in their own way but, for me, where were the other men to share my isolation, listen to my questions, and share their answers? I needed so much to hear from other men, compare their experiences with mine, and even (I dared to hope), be there, should I need more personal support. I searched and searched but found no other voices, after all there are only about 350 men diagnosed annually. How glad I am then, that Breast Cancer Now encourages men with the condition to be together and give voice to their feelings and distinctive needs, through the forum ‘Voices’.
Thankfully, I found The VMU - where we can talk freely and openly about our breast cancer experiences. We are well on the way to ensuring that no man with breast cancer needs to feel alone when facing the challenges of his diagnosis and treatment.
Thanks for reading this and best wishes to all who are facing the challenges of cancer.
Roger